


Cabbage for President

by orphan_account



Category: Original Work, United States of America - Fandom
Genre: American Politics, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Blood, Don't Examine This Too Closely, Minor Character Death, Original Character Death(s), Original Character(s), The Author Regrets Nothing, This Is STUPID, This is ridiculous, cabbage as a character, don't read this maybe??, inspired by the 2016 pres debate, just like 2016, shitty on purpose, unedited i'll do it tomorrow maybe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-27
Updated: 2016-09-27
Packaged: 2018-08-17 14:22:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,005
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8147297
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: In the year 2018, the US presidential election is decided by a battle to the death in the Thunderdome. Civil unrest is afoot, and the choices of one brave soul allow for new chances to be taken.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I've never seen the Mad Max Thunderdome movie. I just like the way "Thumderdome" sounds. Idk if the violence descriptions are all that "graphic" but better to be safe that sorry. Story based off of some tweets I made. Have fun, and keep your chin up, nuggets.
> 
> BTW to any Star Wars people who read my stuff, I'm sorry, I can guarantee stuff you'll want in December at the latest.

It was the year 2018 in the United States of America, and once again the Presidential Battle was underway in the Thunderdome. Viscera splattered the high walls and a few of the crowd members, who cheered in honor of their favorite candidate. The shouts of support from those they would rule fueled the combatants, fueling their carnage as they swung their weapons of choice. Swords clanged, maces smashed, and cudgels bashed, and slowly the numbers of the candidates dwindle until their are two left.

The two stand proudly atop the broken bodies of their former comrades, each sizing the other up. 

With two primal screams they charge each other, sword and mace wielded high about their heads. They move with an uncanny grace, especially since they're traversing over bloodies, blood spewing up and bones of the fallen crunching with each footfall. 

Metal clangs as they meet in the middle of the Thunderdome, each slashing at each other viciously! The two seem almost evenly matched, and the crowd losses it every time a foot slips on the gore almost causing one to fall or a blow is landed. 

It doesn't last long though. A death blow is landed, a mace crushing the head of one of the combatants. Silence falls over the crowd as the body crumples to the ground, leaving only the one person standing. With a primal shriek, they raise their arms over their head in victory. The crowd absolutely loses it-- they scream and stamp their feet, sharing in their new soon-to-be leader's bloody joy! 

Solemnly, as the rest of the crowd cheers and boos on, a lone being stands. Their features cannot be discerned; the hood of their dirty jacket is pulled over their head, hiding their face in deep shadow. Later, this being would be known widely as "The Wise Ohioan", but for now they were merely an unimportant entity of the masses. Unseen by the others around them, they scowl as the Victor waved bloody arms in the air, hyping the crowds. The Stranger's hands tighten their grip on the single item they are holding. 

That item was a cabbage. 

Breathing in deeply the figure forced their muscles to relax, allowed a calm to overtake them. Their aim must not be off-- if even a single inch was miscalculated, this would be for naught and they would be sacrificed. As the Victor held up a hand for silence, no doubt about to begin the required Victory Declaration of Inauguration to solidify the win, the stranger lifted the cabbage and pressed it to their forehead. 

They channeled everything into this one cabbage, their hopes and dreams, beliefs and morals. 

This would be the one act of protest that would matter in this hellscape-- as long as their aim was true. 

With one final sigh they looked up and into the face of the Victor, who had finally spread blubbery lips to begin the Victory Declaration. Concentrating with all of their might, the strange figure took the cabbage into one hand, reeling back, and threw it forwards with all of their strength! 

The cabbage flew from their hand! It soared over the crowd, over the chain-link fence, and into the Pit of the Thunderdome! 

Everything seemed to move in slow-motion as the cabbage continued through it's arc and into it's descent. The figure watched, hoping that for just this once, they were good enough. 

The cabbage flew closer to it's target, leaves flapping gently in the breeze as it rolled through the air. Just as the first syllable exits the Victor's mouth the cabbage rockets into them, knocking them to the ground. Their head hits with a wet, echoing thump and their cranium splits open like a melon, smattering red and pink chunks of brain across the dirt ground. 

The crowd is shocked into silence, and slowly, in one mass, they turn to face the cabbage. It stays still, waiting for the crowd's reaction. A single voice suddenly starts cheering and soon the entire crowd of the Thunderdome start in as well. 

A wane smile stretched the cracked lips of the Stranger, and they raised a single fist in the air, and gave the cabbage a single nod in solidarity as the crowd begins jumping around them in excitement. 

The cabbage met the eyes of the Stranger, and in a sign of goodwill, of thanks, the cabbage nodded back before turning to the crowd and began it's Victory Declaration of Inauguration. 

 

 

 

 

 

The year is 2031, and the Reign of the Cabbage Monarchy has been well underway for over a decade. Under the rule of the Supreme Cabbage, the newfound United States of Agriculture has flourished. The people are finally happy, and have started rebuilding their once torn-down cities. 

The Stranger has disappeared, some say they returned to their homeland of Ohio, and now the only proof of them that remains in the Cabbage Capital are the grandiose statues of a genderless figure with their arm drawn back and holding an emerald cabbage as if preparing to toss it once again in the name of freedom. Some whisperers around the Palace claim they have seen a hooded figure, with a patch in the shape of their home state emblazoned on their back entering the Monarch's rooms, but many discredit this as wishful thinking. 

No one has been able to discredit the improvements made by the new government. Crime rate is down, equality has finally been established, and hunger has ended due to the installations of many cabbage themed soup kitchens. Taxes and pollution are low, and free, clean energy is provided for all those who live in the USA. The world smiles on this fine example of a kingdom, and begin to slowly follow the example of the Cabbage Monarchy. Over time, the world becomes a better, cleaner, safer place to live. Earth can finally breath a sigh of relief, and so can the people of the world. 

All thanks to a cabbage, and the brave soul who gave that cabbage its chance. 

**Author's Note:**

> My response to the 2016 US presidential debate. I'm not saying I would vote for a cabbage if given the chance, buuut I'd vote for a cabbage if given the chance.


End file.
